In the words of the Maharishi

Whilst you're all waiting for me to put down those catheters and get down to posting my next blog, I'd like to share with you some words of wisdom imparted to me by my personal mentor, a Zen master with Chakras the size of George Bush's budget deficit:

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just fuck off and leave me alone.

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

• The darkest hours come just before the dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspapers, that's the time to do it.

• Sex is like air. It only becomes important when you aren't getting any.

• Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• Remember: No-one is listening to you until you fart.

• Never forget that you are unique, just like everybody else.

• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

• If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

• Never judge somebody until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, by the time you judge them you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

• If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was propbably worth it.

• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

• Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

• Don't worry - it only seems kinky the first time.

• Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.

• A closed mouth gathers no feet.

• There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

• Never miss a chance to shut up.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
  

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you all with His Noodly Appendage.