The Lunatic's Cookbook : a Blog of Revelations

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Note to Pat : Thou Shalt Not Kill. Geddit?

Phew! What a week that was! The Karaoke evening at the Anaesthetist & Parrot (which I said Maureen and I were going to last week) was an absolute fiasco. It all started going tits-up after one of the inmates, Pat Robertson, escaped from the Weasel’s Unit over in the American Annexe.

He’d been bought to the Weasel’s Unit by Carl and Viktor from Security for his own safety, after he had barricaded himself in the control room of our hospital Radio Station, “ASYLUM 700 FM”, and proceeded to scream over the PA that “if anyone wanted to murder Mr. Chavez,” (one of our Visitor’s Café Volunteers) “that’s just fine by me and God, because Jesus wants us to kill all the little brown people who say “No”… and send $50 NOW before Satan kills ya!”.

The Cannon of Christianity: Pat Robertson Calls for the Assassination of Hugo Chavez

Christian televangelist Pat Robertson set off an international firestorm this week when he called for the assassination of Venezuela's democratically elected president Hugo Chavez. Robertson made the comment on his TV program "The 700 Club."

He has destroyed the Venezuelan economy, and he’s going to make that a launching pad for commu
nist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent. You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any
oil shipments will stop, but this man is a terrific danger, and the United States -- this is in our sphere of influence. We can't let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine. We have other doctrines that we have announced, and without question, this is a
dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.”

…watch video clip here

…read complete article here

Obviously, we couldn’t allow this kind of thing to happen! The other American Inmates started rioting, screaming “Yo, Death! USA!”, and as usual, they rushed into the toilet block and set fire to all the condom machines, and within minutes most of the furniture was thrown out of the windows. Inmate Bush went totally bat-shit, and was jumping up and down and on his “Barbie’s First Bicycle”, screaming “Georgie wanna kill the Commie Muslim Venezuelan Cuban Homosexual Bastard”. Inmate Cheney started drooling, fingering his pocket calculator, and was caught masturbating over his current Bank Statement, and Inmate “Creepy” Rumsfeld set fire to all the paperwork in the Nurse’s Station, claiming afterward that he knew nothing about anything at all… honest.

What a mess!

The magnificent Nurse Kravitz held the baying mob at bay for a good half hour, armed only with a rolled-up copy of “Democracy Now” until Dr. Strangelove eventually turned up with Carl and some of the burly Kitchen Porters, who shouldered the Radio Station door down and dragged the kicking, screaming Robertson into the corridor.

Just as Carl was fumbling about trying to get the Tranquilizer Gun out of the holster, Robertson sunk his teeth into Carl’s overly-pronounced gonads, and, in the ensuing pandemonium the gun went off, shooting Dr. Strangelove, as Robertson wriggled free and gleefully legged it out of the fire exit!

Unfortunately for us his escape route included the Anaesthetist & Parrot, and, as Maureen was onstage and just about to launch into the first chorus of “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off”, Robertson, hotly pursued by an enraged, howling Carl and four Kitchen Porters, burst in through the front door, leapt onto the stage, grabbed the mike from Maureen’s startled grasp, and started to shriek wildly that “the city of Orlando will face divine retribution, in the form of terrorist attacks, hurricanes, earthquakes… or even possibly a Meteor, because a Gay Group has been allowed to fly Rainbow Flags off light poles during an event at Disney World” whereupon Chaos reigned until the big boys from Isolation arrived with their Tasers.

The rest, as we know, is history.

As you know, I’m usually the very soul of discretion, and I would never normally discuss an Inmate’s personal history, but I’ve got to say that this Pat Robertson is a particularly nasty and dangerous individual. I think it’s in the Public Interest that our visitors be armed with the facts before making a judgement on this devious self-appointed Prophet of the God of Pain, who has the President’s permanent Ear, so here are some extracts from his Patients Records:

Pat Robertson - Stormtrooper of the New World Order

Born the patrician son of a Democratic senator, Marion Gordon Robertson wasn't always interested in religion. As an undergraduate at Washington & Lee University, he had quite a reputation for indulging in drinking, gambling and chasing women - a reputation which continued while he studied law at Yale.

He failed several times to pass the bar exam after graduating, and was forced to pursue various business interests in New York City. His involvement with religious fundamentalism while running his own electronics company in New York was brought about by his intensely religious mother who got him into contact with
charismatic Christians speaking in tongues and advocating faith healing.

His wife Adelia, a nurse, thought that he was sick and recognized schizoid tendencies in his behavior. This was especially true when he decided to leave her to go on a month-long religious retreat even though they were desperately poor and she was seven months pregnant.

As far as he was concerned, God would provide. Fortunately for her, she too eventually had a charismatic conversion experience. It's a shame, though, that she didn't pursue her original diagnosis and seek treatment for him. I think that this treatment of his wife is instructive of how Robertson thinks women should be treated.

He became increasingly certain that God wanted him to buy a television station to spread the gospel. He got himself ordained as a minister of the Southern Baptist Church, and set about the business of making himself famous and very, very rich at other’s expense.

As is the fashion in Faith-Based Extortion Rackets, a broadcasting empire was crucial to these plans for theocratic sedition (and the millions and millions of dollars that disingenuous Snake Oil Salesmen like Robertson knew he could con out of the gullible public). The as-yet-unsullied by the craziness of Theocracy, Robertson brought his family to Portsmouth Virginia in November 1959, with only $70 in his pocket, and a year later bought a $500,000 bankrupt UHF station in Portsmouth for a mere $37,000. In 1960 he went on the air with an evangelistic religious format.

Robertson's decision to ask for 700 supporters to contribute $10 a month led to the 1963 birth of the 700 Club, his religious talk show. In the early 1980s, Pat Robertson embraced a new doctrine within the Christian right known as Christian reconstructionism or dominionism, which calls for the creation of a Christian America.

The fanatical fervour pumping out of CBN was ramped up many notches, and the money started pouring in. The brainwashed audiences loved the wall-to-wall clarion calls for violence and retribution against anyone considered to be an enemy of the Christian cults – Liberals, Intellectuals, Immigrants, Gays, Atheists, Feminists etc. etc.

In 1986 Roberts resigned his ordination and ran against Vice President George Bush in the Presidential Nominations campaign and failed, due to press hostilities around unrelated scandals embroiling two Christian Broadcasting stations.

Not to be deterred from his craven lust for political power, he fell in behind George Bush Snr. , the Republican Party (and later Bush Jnr.) to offer his unrivaled services (and mailing list) as King-Maker, and was responsible for overseeing many relentless leafleting campaigns to illegally influence voters by way of millions and millions of “Voters Guides” distributed to Evangelical Christian Churches, which purported to give an impartial list of all candidate’s campaigning platforms, but which were slyly worded to heavily promote Republican candidates.

NOTE: Very shortly after he announced that he would be seeking the presidency in 1988, the Wall Street Journal reported that he had been lying for many years about the date of his wedding in order to hide the fact that his wife was very pregnant
during the ceremony. And he was still lying about it to the press as late as 1987. It might not have mattered much had he been honest about it earlier, but the fact that he was deliberately courting the votes of a moralistic and self-righteous crowd prevented honesty in such matters. It's his own fault, really - snake handlers get bitten from time to time, and have no one to blame but their selves.

His reaction to all of this was quite illuminating. He told reporters in Philadelphia that: "It is outrageous to pry into a man's past and try to do damage to a man's wife and children under the guise of journalism."

The obvious question raised by this is: why didn’t he come to the defense of President Clinton when he was savaged by the media for reports of sexual impropriety? Unless, of course, Pat Robertson is little more than a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite.

Robertson founded the Christian Coalition in October of 1989 in order to "give Christians a voice in their government again." As a Modest Man of God himself, Robertson has at various times in the past called for the Righteous execution of Gay’s, Lesbian’s, Liberals, Athiests, Finger-painters, Chihuahas, and Anyone who doesn’t agree with him. (The man’s a SAINT, I tell you! A LIVING SAINT!)

In 1990 the Coalition accepted a $64,000 donation from the Republican Senatorial Committee and used it to intervene in a North Carolina Senate race between Republican Jesse Helms and Democrat Harvey Gantt. At a closed-door meeting of Coalition activists in November of 1991, Ralph Reed (who runs the day-to-day of the Coalition) bragged that after Helms called Robertson for help, the Coalition blanketed the state with 750,000 "voter guides" and helped Helms win. Remarks Reed, "I had access to the internal tracking, and I knew Helms was down by 8 points. So Pat called me up and said, 'We've got to kick into action.' Bottom line is...five days later we put three quarters of a million voters' guides in churches across the state of North Carolina, and Jesse Helms was re-elected by 100,000 votes out of 2.2 million cast."

In 1989 Reed announced that "What Christians have got to do is take back this country, one precinct at a time, one neighborhood at a time and one state at a time. I honestly believe that in my lifetime, we will see a country once again governed by Christians…and Christian values.

These illegal campaigns were financed by the Republican Party through the back door, though not enough conclusive evidence was ever produced in court to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the wording of the material was unfair.

Note for British readers: US Christian organizations like Christian Coalition etc. have
special tax exempt status, on the strict understanding that they do not involve
themselves in blatantly commercial, for-profit activities (such as accepting
massive donations from the Republicans, and generating acres and acres of
propaganda on the client’s behalf). Thanks to the Bush gang’s crooked patronage,
this rule has been flaunted to an incredible degree.

By 1986 the Christian Broadcasting Network’s gift income was over $139 million a year. At present Roberts’ CBN is now a vast multi-million dollar operation, with facilities in three U.S. cities, the Ukraine, Philippines, India and Israel. Radical Christians now control six national US television networks, each reaching tens of millions of homes and virtually all of the nation's 2,000 religious radio stations.

Christian radio now outnumbers every other format, except country music and news talk.

(The latest venture, Sky Angels, is putting up direct broadcast satellite networks and broadcasts 36 channels of Christian radio and TV, and nothing else… except relentless fund-raising, and calls for their viewers to pledge a percentage of their wages to the CBN. The Christian Broadcasting Network needs around $100 million a year to operate at it’s current level.) Obviously all of this has made Pat Robertson obscenely rich – his personal wealth is estimated to be in the region of $1 billion. It’s stashed away offshore, naturally.



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